When one of you wants counselling and the other does not

People often say they feel frustrated, worried or guilty when one partner wants counselling and the other does not. Some report relief at having a next step. Others say they feel rejected or afraid of making a problem worse.

Those reactions are understandable. A difference of view about getting help does not mean the relationship is over. It does mean you will need to find practical ways forward that do not rely on both people making the same decision at the same time.

People choose counselling for different reasons. Some want a neutral space to speak, to learn new ways of handling conflict, or to work on personal history that affects the relationship. Others think counselling is a way to decide whether to stay together or to change how they relate.

Resistance can be as varied. Someone may fear being blamed, feel sceptical about talking to a stranger, worry about cost or time, come from a culture that stigmatises counselling, or simply prefer to try solutions on their own first. Understanding these reasons can make it easier to have a calm conversation about next steps.

You can take practical steps that change how you relate without waiting for your partner to join you. People commonly find this useful and it may change the tone of conversations at home.

• Focus on small communication changes. Try brief, specific statements about what you need rather than long reproaches.
• Set and keep clear boundaries about what behaviour you will accept, and be consistent about them.
• Learn simple conflict habits - for example, take a pause if a conversation escalates and agree a time to return to it.
• Work on your own stress and wellbeing in straightforward ways - sleep, exercise, short breaks, and talking things through with a friend or a counsellor for yourself.
• Read practical material about relationships. You might start with the site pages on relationship support at /specialties/relationship/.

Individual counselling for one partner often helps the relationship because it provides a space to explore patterns and practise different responses. It is not a guarantee of any particular outcome, but many people report clearer thinking and changed behaviour after individual counselling.

Choose a moment when neither of you is tired, rushed or already upset. A short, calm invitation is usually better than a long speech.

Use 'I' statements. For example, say what you would find helpful rather than listing what your partner is doing wrong. Try: 'I have been thinking about talking to a counsellor about how I handle our arguments. Would you be open to hearing what I find out?' That keeps the immediate focus on your experience.

Offer options and keep the pressure low. Mention that counselling can be individual or for couples, that sessions can be in person or online, and that some people try one session before deciding. You can point them to a page of therapists so they can read more at their own pace: /therapists/.

Avoid ultimatums. If you need to set a boundary or make a decision for your own wellbeing, say so calmly and clearly, but separate that from trying to force someone into counselling.

If the answer is no, stay practical. You can keep working on the things you control. Keep your own appointments, maintain any new boundaries, and continue using the communication habits you have chosen.

Allow time. People often need to see small changes before they consider counselling themselves. You can revisit the subject later in a short, non-accusatory way - for example: 'We tried taking a break during arguments and I felt it helped. Would you think about talking to someone about how you felt in those moments?'

If your partner is open to learning without counselling, suggest a neutral article or a podcast episode and offer to read or listen alongside them. If they refuse everything, focus on keeping your home life as stable as possible and getting support for yourself.

Look for professionals who are qualified and who have experience with relationship work. Good indicators are being a member of or registered with recognised bodies such as BACP, UKCP or HCPC. You can ask about their experience with couples or relationship issues and whether they work with individuals seeking to improve their relationships.

Before you book, have a short conversation with a potential counsellor. Ask about their practical approach, session length, fees and cancellation policy, and whether they offer an initial meeting. If you would like to browse options, see the therapists directory at /therapists/ and the relationship speciality page at /specialties/relationship/.

If someone is in immediate danger, or if there is a risk of harm to you or others, call 999. If you or your partner are having thoughts of self-harm or feeling unable to cope, you can contact Samaritans on 116 123 for support.

These contacts are for urgent situations. For non-urgent emotional support, a clinician you speak to directly can offer assessment and next steps tailored to your situation. This article is not advice or diagnosis - a clinician who is actually talking to you is the person who can say.